“Love in such a way that the person you love feels free.”
I read this beautifully simple and profound quote by the Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh this morning, repeating it over and over in my mind.
Love in such a way that the person you love feels free. Sounds simple, right?
But how many of us are really capable of loving in this way?
Let’s face it, most of us love with conditions, expectations, spoken or unspoken contracts we’ve assigned to our loved ones. Sometimes they’re gender based, sometimes not.
But to love in such a way that the other person feels free? How rare, how holy is that?
I’ve been mulling this over all morning, letting it sink in and settle into my bones because I believe there is a sacred message there for all of us.
Love in such a way that the person you love feels free.
What does that mean?
Does it mean I have the freedom to come and go at my will without taking my partner’s needs into consideration? Does it mean I am free to speak my mind without choosing my words carefully or taking responsibility for the effect they might have on another?
I don’t think so. At least that’s not how I choose to interpret Hahn’s words.
I believe loving another–be it your partner, your friend, your child, your family member–in a way in which the person you love feels free is more about loving them kindly. Respectfully.
It’s about loving them enough to leave them alone, to let them be who they are, to be true to their nature. In Taoism, being true to one’s nature is an important principle by which to live.
But this is a tough one, folks. How often do we try to change others to fit our preferences, thinking our roadmap is the only one that leads to hallowed ground? Or to the best outcome? I’ll raise my hand here.
Free, free, free at last.
In the West, we are accustomed to many freedoms, so much so that many of us don’t even think about the word “free” unless it is associated with a bargain. We think of freedom in the literal (and important) sense: Being free to come and go, to choose our religion, to vote, to forge our own path.
So maybe the subtleness of Hanh’s quote could be lost ….“love in such a way that the person you love feels free.”
He speaks to the kind of freedom one feels internally when they are blessed by non-judgmental love. The kind of love that is freeing, the kind that comes from having someone love you kindly, encouragingly, in a way that lets you be seen. In a way that gives you permission to be your authentic self.
That kind of love, the kind where you don’t feel guilted or obligated to regularly meet someone else’s expectations for your life, or even for how you spend your day–is a gift.
And I believe it sets the giver and the receiver free to love themselves and the other more fully, with wide-eyed optimism and grace.
(Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh is a spiritual leader and writer, revered for his exquisite teachings on mindfulness and peace. He suffered a brain hemorrhage this week…so let us keep him in our hearts.)
If you’re interested in more thoughts on integrity, compassion and grace, particularly at midlife, read my book Tao Flashes. Or visit me at http://www.facebook.com/taoflashes or on twitter @taoflashes.
Tao Flashes 
I love this for so many reasons. When I first read the quote I thought about setting our children free after seeing them grow into adulthood. Not always easy, but a necessity and the natural flow of life. Now to tell my mother….:-)
Cathy, you’re right, it’s not always easy. And when it comes to our kids….well, that’s a big challenge. I know it is for me. But I am working on it!
I love this Lisa…Love in such a way that the person you love feels free!. It’s the most loving thing you can do!
Nancy, I was struck by this beautiful thought….it is still stuck in my head. It really is so profoundly simple (yet often hard to do).
Lisa, you really have a gift. I love reading your pieces. This one resonates so much with me, it is the sort of love that my husband and I committed too when we married. Having been caught in the trappings of control in my past, I cannot think of a better way to extend and receive love than this, it is liberating in the true sense of the word. Having said that, it is not without need of occasional reminding. And as I read your words I thought of how children need to be loved–that includes being seen. Beautiful post, thank you.
What a sweet thing to say to me! And high praise coming from someone who writes so beautifully. You are fortunate to love and be loved in such a way–this is no easy thing. And certainly, not something to be taken for granted. I know this is what I need….and I realize it’s something I have to work harder at myself.
Being free to be yourself in a relationship is the ultimate gift.
Sharon, it is a gift…and I think it’s somewhat rare. I know the older I get, the more important it is to me that I live and love (and be loved ) authentically and without manipulation (even if it well-meaning manipulation).
Sometimes the simplest messages are the most challenging.
Girlie, that’s truth! It’s not always easy for me…but I am working on it. And I know it’s what I want and expect from others, too, especially at midlife.
The toughest part about loving someone so they feel free is the trust. Even stable, loving people can do a number on you if life makes them callous. But certainly something I strive for . ..
Yes, it is tough, isn’t it? For me, it’s not so much about trust as it is about being allowed to be authentic (or letting the other person be who they are). I think that is so freeing….and such a gift. Thanks for reading and commenting!
Yes, love is a gift, not a transaction. A great reminder.
Patty, yes, this kind of love is a rare and precious gift, isn’t it? Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
What a beautiful concept and post. This has definitely given me food for thought in my own relationships.
Oh I am so glad this resonated with you. That quote has really stayed with me.
I like how it says to love another that they can feel free, and it implies that they may or may not. You just love them. Then they have to choose it. People tend to judge if they are doing it right by the other’s response. This is not a good way to judge, since the other person plays a huge role with loads of their own complications. You love and it does affect them in beautiful ways, but they have to say yes to it.
What an interesting and thoughtful perspective. Thanks!
This must be very hard for a parent, although it’s also incredibly important. Of course, you’re right; it’s challenging for anyone!
Thank you for another beautiful and thought-provoking post. 🙂
Rob, thanks for reading and commenting. Glad you enjoyed it.
Lovely quote. To me, it means loving without smothering. Harder for some than others to find that perfect balance!
Yes Sheryl, it is hard….especially with our kids. I’m still working on this one. But I also know this is the way I want to be loved.